How to not be a toxic person

Do you know how to not be a toxic person?

Let’s go over some classic toxic behavior, just to be sure we’re on the same page.

Classic Toxic Behaviour

Control Freakery

When someone tries to micromanage every little thing you do. In parent-child relationships, it’s a parent who’s got their fingers in every pie of their child’s life. In dating, it’s the partner who insists on knowing every detail of your day and makes all the decisions.

Gaslighting

Someone constantly making you second-guess your own sanity. In parent-child scenarios, it’s when a parent denies or distorts facts to make the child feel like they’re crazy. In relationships, it’s the partner who makes you question your memory or perceptions, leaving you feeling off-balance.

Emotional Blackmail

The “If you really loved me, you’d do this” spiel. In parent-child situations, it’s a parent using guilt to control behavior. In dating, it’s a partner who threatens to leave or throw a tantrum unless you comply with their demands.

Constant Criticism

Someone never has a nice thing to say and always finds something wrong, you’re dealing with this toxic gem. Parents who belittle their child’s every move or a partner who can’t stop finding flaws—it’s relentless and draining.

Neglect

Neglect isn’t only about physical absence but emotional unavailability. In parent-child relationships, it’s when a parent is emotionally distant or absent. In dating, it’s when your partner is MIA emotionally, leaving you feeling neglected and alone.

Blaming

When things go wrong and it’s always someone else’s fault, you’re in toxic territory. Parents who never take responsibility for their mistakes, or partners who blame you for everything that goes awry in the relationship.

Inconsistency

One minute someone’s hot, the next they’re cold. It’s the parent who showers affection one day and is cold the next. In dating, it’s the partner who’s all over you one week and distant the next, keeping you in a constant state of confusion.

Jealousy and Possessiveness

Someone can’t handle you having a life outside of them. In parent-child relationships, it might look like a parent who is overly jealous of their child’s friends or achievements. In dating, it’s the partner who can’t stand you having friends or hobbies without them.

Threats and Ultimatums

When someone pressures you into compliance by making threats or giving you an ultimatum. Parents might threaten to cut off support or love if the child doesn’t comply. In dating, it’s the partner who says, “Change this, or we’re done.”

How to Not be A Toxic Person

Don’t Brush Off Important Conversations

• Have you ever avoided a serious conversation because it felt too uncomfortable or just inconvenient? Maybe your partner or friend tried to talk to you about something that was bothering them, and you changed the subject or made a joke to avoid getting into it.
• Avoiding these conversations might seem easier in the moment, but it only makes things worse. Next time, take a deep breath and really listen. You don’t need to have all the answers—just being present and acknowledging the other person’s feelings can go a long way. You might say, “I know this is hard to talk about, but I’m here, and I want to understand.”

Own Up When You Mess Up

• We all make mistakes, but toxic behavior often involves refusing to admit when you’re wrong. Have you ever found yourself blaming others for something that was your fault, or brushing off someone’s feelings because you didn’t want to deal with the guilt?
• It’s okay to mess up—it’s how you handle it that matters. The next time you realize you’ve hurt someone, take responsibility. A sincere apology can be powerful. Try saying something like, “I’m sorry for what I did. I can see how it hurt you, and I’ll do better next time.”

Stop Calling People “Too Sensitive”

• Have you ever told someone they’re overreacting or being too sensitive when they expressed hurt or anger? It might seem harmless, but this dismisses their feelings and can cause lasting damage to your relationship.
• Try to see things from their perspective, even if you don’t fully understand why they feel the way they do. Instead of dismissing their feelings, acknowledge them: “I didn’t mean to upset you, but I see that I did. Let’s talk about it.”

Be Clear and Honest in Your Communication

• Do you ever give vague answers or dodge questions because you don’t want to get into a tough conversation? Maybe you say “I’m fine” when you’re really not, hoping to avoid conflict.
• Open and honest communication is key to any healthy relationship. The next time someone asks how you’re feeling, try to be truthful, even if it’s uncomfortable. You might say, “I’m actually feeling stressed right now, and I think we should talk about it.”

Check In with Yourself Regularly

• Have you ever reacted in a way that surprised even you? Maybe you snapped at someone without knowing why or felt overwhelmed by emotions you didn’t understand.
• Self-awareness is about understanding your own feelings and how they influence your behavior. Take time to reflect on your actions, especially when things don’t go well. Journaling or talking to a therapist can help you understand your triggers and work on healthier ways to respond.

Work on Being More Empathetic

• Do you ever find yourself so focused on your own feelings that you forget to consider how someone else might be feeling? It’s easy to overlook others’ emotions when we’re caught up in our own.
• Empathy is about connecting with others’ emotions. Try to imagine yourself in their shoes before you react. Ask questions like, “How would I feel if this happened to me?” or “What can I do to support them right now?” It’s a small shift that can make a big difference.

Respect People’s Boundaries

• Recognize It: Have you ever pushed someone to talk when they weren’t ready, or tried to “fix” things when all they wanted was some space? Ignoring boundaries can create tension and resentment in relationships.
• What to Do Instead: Boundaries are crucial for healthy relationships. If someone asks for space or sets a limit, respect it. If you’re unsure, it’s okay to ask: “Do you need some time alone, or would you like to talk about it now?” Respecting boundaries shows that you care about their comfort and well-being.

Things Toxic People Say

1. Stop Making Everything an Issue

The phrase “Stop Making Everything an Issue” usually pops up when someone seems to be overreacting, nitpicking, or constantly bringing up problems that can come off as too much or not needed. But, using this phrase can be tricky because it might end up downplaying real feelings or valid concerns.

• When you say “this”stop making everything an issue”, you’re obviously trying to shut them up. If they’re upset or concerned, brushing it off by saying they’re “making an issue,” you are saying their feelings don’t matter. Eventually, this can make them feel ignored or like you’re tiptoeing around, worried to mention anything.

• It’s a toxic thing to say if used as a way for you to dodge responsibility. If they’re bringing up something that genuinely bothers them—like if they feel disrespected or hurt—and the response is “Stop making everything an issue,” it shifts the blame onto them. Instead of addressing what’s really going on, it makes them feel like they’re the problem just for speaking up.

If they hear this often, they might start doubting themselves and wonder if they’re overreacting all the time, even when they’re not.

When you absolutely have to say “Stop making everything an issue,” use this approach.

• Pick a time when both of you are calm and not in the middle of an argument. It’s best to bring it up when you can have a calm, thoughtful conversation rather than in the heat of the moment.

• Begin by acknowledging the other person’s feelings. You might say, “I can see that this is really bothering you, and I want to understand what’s going on.”

• Instead of saying “You’re making everything an issue,” try something more neutral like, “Sometimes, it feels like we’re getting caught up in a lot of small things, and I’m worried it’s adding unnecessary stress for both of us.” This way, you’re sharing your perspective without directly blaming the other person.

• Offer a solution that shows you’re on the same team. For example, “Maybe we can focus on the bigger issues and try not to let the little things get to us as much. I want us to be able to talk about what really matters.”

• After you say it, give them a chance to share their side. They might not realize how their behavior is affecting you, or they might have a different perspective that’s important to hear.

Example:

“I’ve noticed that we’ve been getting into a lot of small arguments lately, and it’s making things feel more tense. I really value our relationship, so I think it might help if we focus more on what’s really important to us. What do you think?”

2. Don’t Be Paranoid

If you tell someone, “Don’t be paranoid,” it comes off as dismissive.

It shuts down the conversation. Instead of talking about what’s bothering them and maybe finding a solution together, they might end up feeling like they’re overreacting or even a little crazy for having those feelings in the first place.

If they hear it often enough, they might start questioning whether their concerns are ever validIt’s important to have your feelings acknowledged, not brushed off as “paranoia.”

Paranoia is valid when there are real reasons or evidence to be concerned about something.

It’s natural to feel suspicious or anxious in situations where there’s been a pattern of dishonesty, betrayal, or other harmful behavior. For instance,

1. If you’ve been hurt or deceived before, it’s understandable to be more cautious or wary in similar situations. Your mind is trying to protect you based on what’s happened in the past.
2. If someone is acting differently or in a way that doesn’t match their usual behavior, it might raise a red flag. For example, if a partner who is usually open suddenly becomes secretive, it’s natural to feel uneasy.
3. Sometimes, your intuition picks up on subtle cues that something isn’t right. If you have a strong gut feeling that something is off, it can be worth paying attention to, especially if there are other signs backing it up.
4. If you find concrete evidence that supports your concerns—like seeing unusual charges on a credit card, or noticing someone frequently lying—then your paranoia isn’t just in your head; it’s a response to real issues.

If I were to tell you, “Don’t be paranoid,” it could be for a few reasons, but I want to clarify where I might be coming from:

1. I Might Not See What You See: I might not fully understand the reasons behind your concerns. Maybe I don’t have all the context or evidence that you do, so from my perspective, it might seem like you’re worrying too much.
2. I Want to Reassure You: I might be trying to calm you down or make you feel better, thinking that your worries are more about anxiety than something real. My intention is to help, but I realize now that it could come off as dismissive.
3. I’m Avoiding Conflict: It’s possible I’m saying this because I’m uncomfortable with the situation or I want to avoid a deeper, possibly uncomfortable, conversation. Maybe I’m hoping that by downplaying your concern, I can keep things from escalating.
4. I Misunderstand Your Feelings: I might not realize that your concerns are based on real experiences or evidence. I might think you’re overreacting because I don’t fully get where you’re coming from.

How to Not be A Toxic Person

Admit Your Mistakes

No one is perfect, yet toxic individuals often struggle to admit when they’re wrong. They might shift blame or make excuses, damaging their credibility and relationships.

Not admitting your mistakes stems from a fear of failure or rejection.

If you were harshly criticized as a child, admitting a mistake might feel like admitting you’re unworthy or unlovable. For example, a child who was scolded for every small mistake might grow into an adult who avoids taking responsibility to protect their self-esteem.

How to not be the toxic person who never admits to a fault:

When you mess up, it’s easy to freak out and feel like you’ve messed up your whole self-worth. But here’s the deal: mistakes aren’t a mark against you; they’re just feedback. They’re telling you what’s working and what’s not.

Think of it like this: Mistakes aren’t personal failures. Instead of thinking, “I’m bad at this,” try “I’m learning how to get better.”

To make this shift, start by changing your thoughts. When you make a mistake, replace the negative “I’m terrible” with something like “Yikes, what’s the lesson here?”

Notice how you react without getting bogged down by it. This helps you deal with mistakes more calmly and openly.

See mistakes as part of your learning journey rather than a reflection of your abilities. If you believe you can improve, mistakes become less scary.

Instead of thinking they define you, see them as helpful pointers on what to tweak. Ask yourself, “What can I do better next time?” rather than stressing about what’s wrong with you.

Get better at bouncing back from mistakes. This means handling setbacks without losing your cool or confidence.

Don’t be dismissive

This often comes from insecurity or envy. If you feel inadequate in your own life, it can be difficult to genuinely support others. For example, someone who feels unfulfilled in their career might find it hard to celebrate a friend’s promotion.

When someone’s talking, just listen. Don’t interrupt or jump in with your own stuff—just let them vent and show that you’re paying attention.

If they’re swamped with tasks or stressed, offer to help out. Whether it’s running an errand, helping with a project, or just taking something off their plate, your help can mean a lot.

Sometimes a person just needs a friend to lean on. Be that shoulder to cry on or someone who gives a pep talk when they need it. Your support can make a huge difference.

If they’re asking for advice, offer it in a way that’s actually useful. Focus on what they can improve and suggest practical steps, rather than just pointing out what’s wrong.

Whether they nailed an exam, got a new job, or just made it through a tough week, celebrate their achievements with them. It’s all about making them feel good about their successes.

Make sure you’re someone they can count on. If you say you’re going to do something, follow through. It builds trust and shows you really care.

Whenever they’re feeling down or doubtful, remind them of their strengths and encourage them to keep going. Your positive vibes can really boost their confidence.

If they need some alone time or don’t want to talk about something, respect that. Don’t push them to share or hang out if they’re not up for it.

When they’re opening up about something, keep an open mind. Don’t criticize or make them feel bad—just try to understand where they’re coming from.

If you know of something that could help them out—like a cool tool, a helpful article, or a useful contact—pass it along. It shows you’re thinking about their needs.

Don’t be arrogant

Being arrogant and prideful can really push people away. Do you find yourself trying to show you’re better than everyone else or brushing off what they have to say?

This kind of behavior often comes from underlying insecurity. If you were constantly compared to others growing up, you might feel the need to one-up everyone just to feel okay about yourself. For instance, if you spent your childhood in a sibling’s shadow, you might end up trying to outshine everyone around you to prove your worth.

It’s often a defense mechanism to cover up those deep-seated feelings of not being good enough. The real cause is a need to validate yourself after being constantly measured against someone else.

• When you feel insecure, flaunting your achievements or trying to outdo others is a way to protect yourself from feeling vulnerable. If you’re always the one in the spotlight, it’s harder for people to see your doubts or flaws. This defense mechanism keeps the focus on your successes, making it harder for others to see the cracks in your self-esteem.

• Trying to one-up everyone can be a way to compensate for feeling like you’re not good enough. If you grew up feeling like you were always falling short—maybe in the shadow of a sibling or compared to peers—you might overcompensate by striving to be the best in every situation. It’s like building a fortress of achievements to cover up a shaky foundation of self-worth.

• Focusing on being better than others keeps you from having to confront your own insecurities head-on. If you’re always in competition, you’re less likely to take the time to address why you feel inferior. The constant drive to outperform is a way to keep those uncomfortable feelings at bay.

• The need to outdo everyone can mask a deep-seated fear of not being valued or loved. By making sure you’re always ahead, you’re trying to ensure that you’re noticed and appreciated, which can feel like a way to safeguard against rejection or being overlooked.

• When you’re always on top, it’s easier to deflect criticism or avoid facing your own shortcomings. By positioning yourself as the best, you create a buffer against potential judgment or failure. It’s a way of shielding yourself from the discomfort of criticism by being so far ahead that there’s less chance of being scrutinized.

Avoid Gossiping

Speak directly to people about issues instead of talking behind their backs. If someone isn’t in the room, don’t talk about them negatively.

Listen More Than You Talk

Aim to genuinely understand what people are saying instead of waiting for your turn to speak. Show empathy, ask questions, and reflect back what you’ve heard.

Respect Boundaries

Pay attention to people’s limits. If someone says they need space or time, give it to them without insisting or pushing for explanations.

Apologize Sincerely

If you’ve done something wrong, acknowledge it openly and without excuses. Avoid saying things like “I’m sorry if you felt that way” – take real responsibility.

Give Constructive Criticism, Not Just Criticism

When you see something that needs improvement, offer suggestions in a helpful way, focusing on the behavior rather than attacking the person.

Hold Yourself Accountable

Don’t blame others for your mistakes or shortcomings. Own your actions and choices, especially when things go wrong.

Avoid Controlling Behavior

Don’t try to manage others’ choices or push them to do things your way. Respect their independence and give them the freedom to make their own decisions.

Don’t Play the Victim

Everyone has struggles, but constantly talking about how everyone else has wronged you can wear people down. Accept hardships and setbacks as part of life and move forward.

Speak Kindly

Practice speaking kindly to others, even when you’re frustrated. Avoid sarcasm, eye rolls, or passive-aggressive remarks. Kindness goes a long way.

Be Reliable

Follow through on your promises. If you commit to something, do your best to show up and contribute. People respect those they can count on.

Celebrate Others’ Successes

Instead of feeling jealous or trying to downplay others’ achievements, be genuinely happy for them. Cheer them on and celebrate their wins.

Be Willing to Compromise

Don’t insist on always getting your way. Work with others to find solutions that work for everyone instead of digging in your heels.

Stay Out of Drama

Don’t create or add to drama by jumping into conflicts that don’t involve you. If you’re invited into a dispute, stay neutral and focus on solutions.

Respect Personal Space

Notice and honor when people need alone time or distance. Don’t take it personally if they need to step away or have some time without you.

Take Constructive Feedback

Be open to feedback about your own behavior. Instead of getting defensive, use it as an opportunity to improve and grow.

Avoid Manipulation

Be direct with your needs and expectations instead of using guilt trips, ultimatums, or playing on people’s emotions to get what you want.

Keep Your Emotions in Check

Avoid taking out your frustrations on others. If you’re upset or angry, take a moment to cool off before responding instead of letting emotions control you.

Playing yourself down can actually be pretty smart, even if you’re killing it. It takes the pressure off to constantly be on top and proves you’re more than just your achievements.

When you’re not always bragging, you build better connections. People don’t feel overshadowed or intimidated, so your relationships are more genuine and supportive. Plus, staying humble means you’re open to learning and growing, instead of just basking in your own glory.

It also helps you handle criticism and setbacks without freaking out. You’re not so invested in your image that a little negative feedback throws you off course.

On top of that, people appreciate humility. It gives you a solid, positive rep and makes others more likely to return the favor with support and kindness. It’s about simplifying interactions and making life less of a competition and more about real connections and personal satisfaction.